I don't feel any sudden loss just because the news is death. I have lost her since I last seen her, or I suppose, I last remember being with her. It was a slow departure and was a very natural one for me. The news on the other hand was about unnatural and sudden departure. Physical death only brings a closure to the already lost one. In Lakshmi's case she is still around, but the loss has happened. It is not the life's natural course that has brought the loss, but the loss has happened. I was not shocked but was sad. I knew it was inevitable and would happen eventually. I knew. I was relieved that it brought my agony to an end. It brought me sadness too. I don't know what made me lose her slowly, but the departure was not sudden although it seemed sudden. It was good and bad. Good that the agony ended and bad that the pleasures ended too.
I am still grieving. Sometimes angry, sometimes relieved and sometimes sad as well. I am still grieving.