Friday, October 07, 2005

Hungry

I was angry. I am very hungry. If they stop talking I can pretend I have calmed down and can eat. Food is served and is sitting just in front of me. "Are you going to eat or not?". There you go. I can't eat for some more time now. "I don't want food". "Will you let it go?", mother tells me. "What do you mean let it go, I didn't do that. How can you blame me and make me look like a bad girl", "didn't you do that(2)", chithi tells me. "No, that is not how it happened". "OK, let it go", chithi tells me. "No, it is not like that. Why can't you all believe that it was not me", Chithi tells something and mother tells another thing, and I reply them with facts, "what are you? a lawyer?", "it is about right and wrong, I am giving you the facts". "She is handling all of us at a time without any problem. She doesn't have respect for elders, she doesn't stop replying". I am hungry and feel self pity for being framed like this. I don't want to eat. Nobody cares to see the right and wrong. I am just telling everything clearly. They don't want to know. "eat and get it finished for God sake, we have to eat as well".. "Oh, that is it, you want to eat and you want to finish off with me. you don't care about me". "Let us eat, she won't finish it. if we keep talking to her, she will keep arguing like a lawyer. She can even handle more than two people at a time". They are eating. I am hungry. They are not telling me to eat anymore. I can't eat myself, that will be pathetic. I felt pity for myself. I am a pathetic loser. I have nobody who would want to bother to know and care about me. I can’t eat now. I should not eat now. I am hungry. I wish they didn’t overdo the argument. I could have eaten my food. They leave the place. Aachchi (mother’s mother, periyaachchi’s sister) comes in. “What Lathappillai. You still haven’t eaten. Why are you so adamant? You should never show your anger to food. Food is “Annam”, the Goddess you know. You should never disrespect the Goddess. Eat it”. I start crying and tell her, “They don’t want to know how it happened. They are blindly accusing me and arguing with me, they are twisting my words, but they are blaming me for being like a lawyer”. “You know what, let them go to hell. Those two are always like that. Just ignore them and eat it. Oh god, it is noon already”, she looks outside, looks at the shadows to judge the time and starts mixing the food for me. A big ball of food is inserted into my mouth. I can’t stop crying as I feel more "self pity" now. “You should not cry when the food is in your mouth, you will get cough. Stop crying, swallow it first, then you can cry”. I swallowed it. Before I could continue my crying there was another big ball of food inserted into my mouth. “Don’t talk while eating; finish eating first then we can talk about how it happened, OK?”
Place:- Kombai, Age:- 4 to 16, several times.

9 comments:

Dubukku said...

wow nice narration.
Yes you get that sort of attention and care only from your granma's.

Premalatha said...

Hi dubukku,

I always wondered why I can't eat when they ask me to eat and I couldn't eat without self pity when they didn't ask me to eat.

they always sat opposite to me, never touched me, never came anywhere close to me, they acted as if they were my opponent party. But in British culture, when there is any problem, the first thing the other person does is, holds the hands or hugs, touches their "muthuhu".. they touch basically. Body language, understanding psychology, and similar things are not there in our culture. grammas do it because they love the kids. it doesn't mean that parents don't. but, parents get tired and irritated very soon, they don't know how to handle, what works best with children. It has very serious effect in some children. Child psychologists say that girl child soon identifies her mother as her competitor. If mother doesn't do things to eliminate that feeling, it grows seriously and dangerously in some houses. It is also true that mothers see their children as their competitor, and additional burden. we don't talk like that, as it is forbiddent to talk about mothers like that in our culture. Instead of letting the problem grow, talking things bluntly and openly is a better option, i would think. (Balan hates my "vettu onnu thundu rendu", or "akku vera aani vera" behaviour. Translation for non-tamil readers, Balan hates my blunt and too open talks:)).

ammani said...

Great idea. Loved your narration in all your posts. You really do have total recall, don't you? I tell my husband that I can recall the colour of my ribbon on the accompanying photo (kili pachhai), he thinks I'm making it up. Is it a woman thing that we can remember a lot of things from way back from our childhood?
Keep them coming and I'll keep coming back to read them.

Premalatha said...

Hi Ammani,

> You really do have total recall, > don't you?

god, I remember too many detail, sometimes I think I have to see a doctor.:)

>I tell my husband that I can >recall the colour of my ribbon on >the accompanying photo (kili >pachhai),

That is a cool photo (I totally beleive you that it was kilippachai). I wanted to run to my house in kombai to bring a similar photo to "copy-cat" you (there you go, you have become the school leader:). I surely will tell you the nearest best place to buy good co-conut oil when you will walk in to my superstore:)).

I like your posts. I liked the "regime". Well said. :)

>Is it a woman thing that we can >remember a lot of things from way >back from our childhood?

That is what I am trying to understand that why the hell I remember too many. your comment does help me that "I am not alone". LOL.

Michelle said...

"Say hello to.." Those were the words I HATED as a child. When we went to my grandmother's house I'd dread arriving at the gate because then it would be time to say hello.

If I was too slow my grandmother would say "Is there something wrong with the child? She never speaks!" "Why are you so rude? Didn't your mother teach you any manners?"

..and then I would be in trouble.

If I answered very fast my grandmother would frown and say "She's being cheeky again. The child has no manners."

..and then I'd be in trouble AGAIN.

UGH! :( I never got it right.

மதி கந்தசாமி (Mathy) said...

you are not alone. i too have childhood memories. but they are nothing compared to yours and my cousin's. he has very good memory. he could remember stuff from when he was 3 & 4.

still does.

-Mathy

Premalatha said...

Hi Mathi,

Thanks. So that boosts up my confidence to continue this blog. :)

The Visitor said...

Arumai! LOL.

I can almost hear: romba pidivaatham or eppa paathaalum moonjiya thooki vachittu or periyavangannu oru mriyadhaiye illai kind of talk.

The Visitor said...

You could use paragraphs to make it more readable.